Part 4 (Final): From Heartbreak to Healing – A New Chapter Begins
Istanbul
– my onion, my city of tears and triumph. I’ve had a fuller life in Istanbul than I did in my home country. While my journey there was fraught with challenges, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
For years, I carried the weight of failure. Nothing I did seems to be enough. I had paddled so far but had gotten no where. But as the storm within me began to calm, I realised the importance of owning my story, not as a source of shame, but as a testament to my resilience.
Just like Barbie, I was experiencing a bit of a life crisis. I was questioning my career path, my relationships, and my overall life direction. The Barbie movie scene where Barbie questions her existence and purpose resonated deeply with me. It was as if the film had tapped into my own inner struggle.
However, unlike Barbie, there wasn't a single, magical "aha!" moment for me. My transformation wasn't a sparkly outfit change; it was a slow burn of self-discovery. It meant peeling back layers of fear and insecurity, learning to embrace the messy parts.
2022
In the aftermath of the pandemic, I yearned for the solace of Istanbul. Reunited with Mr. S, I was met with a devastating truth.
He had moved on.
The news was a numbing blow. But I didn’t survive the pandemic to surrender. Instead of feeling resigned, I took it as a challenge.
So I threw myself into job hunting. I was desperate to stay and convince him that I was willing to leave everything behind… that I can be independent and won’t be a burden. SMDH.
The next few months was a rollercoaster of emotions, a mix of hope and despair.
I did finally receive a job offer and was ready to apply for a residency permit. But not until I had Mr. S’s word. So I sat him down, and I remember feeling so nervous, sweat was trickling down my palms.
When my pleas for him to reconsider fell on deaf ears, I couldn’t stay in the house any longer. But I also did not have any where else to go. I was in such a depressive state, returning to Singapore was not an option. Not yet, at least. I picked up the pride that had fallen to my ankles and left Mr. S’s house for the last time.
My predicament felt awfully pathetic and embarrassing to share with anyone. Feeling lost in the Istanbul crowd, I’ve never felt more alone in my life.
The Bosphorus, my silent confidante, became my solace as I navigated the darkest hours. I poured my sorrows into its waters, seeking relief in its timeless flow.
While applying for jobs, I allowed myself to grieve. The time difference between Istanbul and Singapore also meant that I had to endure countless early morning interviews.
Amidst the pain, a newfound strength emerged. It was then I realised - I only had myself.
“It doesn’t matter if no one chooses me. I choose myself.”
I repeated this mantra, a mantra that became my lifeline. This lifequake changed me. With newfound self-belief, I realized that my happiness and well-being were solely within my control.
Looking back on my journey, I am filled with gratitude for the experiences that have shaped me into the person I am today. But at the same time, I had to find a way to process my grief, and by seeing these words out loud, putting a name to how I felt, like an out-of-body experience, it helped understand why I felt the way I did. It allowed me to forgive myself for all the poor decisions I’ve made in my life.
From the challenges I faced in my youth to the adventures I've had abroad, every step of the way has been a valuable lesson. I've learned to embrace both the joys and the sorrows, to find strength in adversity, and to appreciate the beauty in every moment.
To anyone going through tough times – do not give up hope. It will pass. Remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And it is easier said but don’t be too hard on yourself.
As I embark on the next chapter of my life, I am filled with hope and determination. I am eager to continue exploring the world, be fearless in pursuing my passions, and making a positive impact on others. I believe that the future holds endless possibilities, and I am ready to embrace them with open arms.
Love, Ira
